I was born brown; chocolate colour

My story, our story through art and community

June 29, 2020

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August 26, 2020

Published by Heartdancers on July 21, 2020

I was born brown; chocolate colour

Shanjida Hoque
Few days back I was reading a poem named; Loving my brown skin by Zhrah Azziz. I am putting some words from that poem,

The stories I have read tell me,
that my heritage is something
to be proud of.
the color of my skin
is the resemblance of dirt;
the very foundation of life.

I was born in Bangladesh. A south Asian country. I have natural tanned (!!) skin tone that I was never proud of. In my home country this is called Shyamla. Shya-ma-la is a sanksrit word which means dusky or dark complexioned. English is my third language. I don’t know the exact English word for Shyamla. Yes! I can consider this as dusky skin tone but the word dusky itself sounds depressive to me. Hence, to get a ‘clearer’ idea I searched in google, and what came up was bit surprising for me. Now I am telling you why! Google said shyamla means green. Alas! I don’t look like any shades of green! Neither the parrot green nor the bottle one. My color is similar to sun ray or non-sparkling gold or even like a hazelnut chocolate. Usually it says, melanin protects us from UV radiations, but no one told me it comes with a list of terms and conditions where I will be ‘judged’ by my skin tone.

This color ‘complexion’ haunted me till my early 20’s. My skin tone, my culture and my background were never ‘enough’ for me. I was not whitewashed but neo-liberalism created doubt on my self-worthiness. Of course, I was not the ‘only’ one who put footstep for western trap, it was my society too who injected in our mind that fairness is the ‘supremacy’. A very long period of my life, I struggled to fit myself into our social criteria of being ‘beautiful’. Neither my barbies looked like me nor any of model/Tv actress looked ‘enough’ brown to me. No one told me, it’s okay to embrace myself, it’s okay to accept the way I am! I don’t blame myself! I blame my social expectation criteria list. In my bachelor’s degree, Dr. Jude William taught us about ‘bullet theory’. It suggests that, the media injects its messages straight into the passive audience. According to this hypodermic needle theory, many times a repeated lie becomes the truth. Hence, my media and all the advertisement; where they portrayed being brown is ‘curse’ is responsible for my stigma.

After finishing my bachelor’s degree I came to Australia in 2017. While doing my second Masters in Social work (Qualifying) I met Sandra during my last placement. This beautiful soul has created an amazing platform named Heartdancers to bring people from diverse background and to cherish their passions, culture and diversity. I still can remember, one day she asked me; “what is the purpose of our life here? why we are running all the time?” this conversation shaped my understanding once again. I asked myself, why I need anyone’s validation to accept who I am? She introduced me to dance therapy, meditation and the power of arts. I met artists around the world. Interestingly, no one ‘evaluated’ me through my skin tone! No one asked me which religion I follow. No one said, I shouldn’t wear dark colored dresses. Heartdancers, promotes social inclusion for people with diverse cultural background. I feel so privileged to work with Heartdancers team, where one of our goal is to challenge racism and historical ideologies that favors ‘light’ complexion through the arts. The physical nature of the arts is to allow our body, along with our mind, to participate in the act of expression. That process facilitates the involvement of both our conscious and unconscious thoughts. The Arts allow us to communicate with our entire being. Therefore, arts and cultural education is the perfect medium for emotional communication. Here, Heartdancers has chosen this media to work closely with CALD communities, First Nations, refugees and asylum seekers. Zharah Aziz again said in her poem that,
Ma (mother) tells me within this skin
lies all the hardships of all the brown women,
who date back a lifetime.
she tells me wherever I am,
I will find a home.
Lastly, if you ask me how I overcome from this ‘skin-tone’ stigma, I would like to say; at the end of the day our skin will not define who we are. We should always acknowledge our root; culture, heritage, history and ancestor but ‘stopping’ traditional racism is our responsibility too. We cannot change our past, but we can work together to bring peace and harmony in this world. We can come forward to make this earth a better ‘live able’ place for our next generation where there will be no colorism. And what a beautiful way to do it through the arts.

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My story, our story through art and community

My journey with Heartdancers

I was born brown; chocolate colour

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